Notes from Another Loud Woman

I just finished watching Shrill, and I have some thoughts. Shrill is a Hulu series based on Lindy West's memoir Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman. It stars Aidy Bryant as Annie, “a fat young woman who wants to change her life — but not her body. Annie is trying to start her career while juggling bad boyfriends, a sick parent, and a perfectionist boss” (straight from the horse's mouth, AKA Hulu's Shrill homepage).

Now, as a fat lady, I like to support shows starring women who aren’t a size 2 (not that thin women are bad, but it’s nice when entertainment reflects the real world, where many women are not that small). Some are great (Downward Dog, The Mindy Project) and some are terrible (Mike and Molly). Shrill is mostly great. Annie’s struggles are relatable, her best friend is hilarious, and she has an adorable dog named Bonkers.

I also loved that the show doesn’t use euphemisms like full-figured, voluptuous, etc. to shy away from the word fat. To me, fat is a descriptive word. I am tall, and I am fat. Those are the facts. Pretending that I don’t weigh 250 lb would be as absurd to me as telling people I’m 5’4.” They can see otherwise!

I can be Aidy's leg double, I just need the tattoo!

As I progressed through the episodes, though, I thought, “They’re really focusing a lot on her weight. Not everything in my life ties back to me being fat.” Sure, being judged because I'm fat is a thing. At least, it's not NOT a thing. My new doctor told me I should go on Wellbutrin instead of Prozac “to help with weight loss” and random strangers have mistaken me for pregnant, but it’s not an everyday occurance. Yet each episode of Shrill seems to hinge on Annie’s fatness, and it started to feel like overkill.

Then I checked myself: until I reconciled my feelings about my own weight, my life was centered around my fatness. My teens and 20s were full of insecurity about my appearance. I was mortified when my costume for the school musical had to be custom made because I didn’t fit into the leotards my counterparts were wearing. I was certain no boys would ever like me because I was so fat. I spent a lot of time trying to take up the least amount of space possible, and I hid my "big" personality because I shouldn't have that and a big body.

So I grew up and got skinny and now life is all unicorns and rainbows. JK. I weigh well more than I did in high school or college, but it doesn’t affect my self-esteem like it used to. I work out regularly and try to eat more vegetables than sugar, and I feel generally OK about myself.

And so does Annie. I realized her story wasn’t always about her weight, it was about her confidence. In the end, she doesn’t slim down and get rewarded with good things. She just recognizes that she’s deserved those good things all along, and does what she can to go after them. As should we all.