Notes from Another Loud Woman

I just finished watching Shrill, and I have some thoughts. Shrill is a Hulu series based on Lindy West's memoir Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman. It stars Aidy Bryant as Annie, “a fat young woman who wants to change her life — but not her body. Annie is trying to start her career while juggling bad boyfriends, a sick parent, and a perfectionist boss” (straight from the horse's mouth, AKA Hulu's Shrill homepage).

Now, as a fat lady, I like to support shows starring women who aren’t a size 2 (not that thin women are bad, but it’s nice when entertainment reflects the real world, where many women are not that small). Some are great (Downward Dog, The Mindy Project) and some are terrible (Mike and Molly). Shrill is mostly great. Annie’s struggles are relatable, her best friend is hilarious, and she has an adorable dog named Bonkers.

I also loved that the show doesn’t use euphemisms like full-figured, voluptuous, etc. to shy away from the word fat. To me, fat is a descriptive word. I am tall, and I am fat. Those are the facts. Pretending that I don’t weigh 250 lb would be as absurd to me as telling people I’m 5’4.” They can see otherwise!

I can be Aidy's leg double, I just need the tattoo!

As I progressed through the episodes, though, I thought, “They’re really focusing a lot on her weight. Not everything in my life ties back to me being fat.” Sure, being judged because I'm fat is a thing. At least, it's not NOT a thing. My new doctor told me I should go on Wellbutrin instead of Prozac “to help with weight loss” and random strangers have mistaken me for pregnant, but it’s not an everyday occurance. Yet each episode of Shrill seems to hinge on Annie’s fatness, and it started to feel like overkill.

Then I checked myself: until I reconciled my feelings about my own weight, my life was centered around my fatness. My teens and 20s were full of insecurity about my appearance. I was mortified when my costume for the school musical had to be custom made because I didn’t fit into the leotards my counterparts were wearing. I was certain no boys would ever like me because I was so fat. I spent a lot of time trying to take up the least amount of space possible, and I hid my "big" personality because I shouldn't have that and a big body.

So I grew up and got skinny and now life is all unicorns and rainbows. JK. I weigh well more than I did in high school or college, but it doesn’t affect my self-esteem like it used to. I work out regularly and try to eat more vegetables than sugar, and I feel generally OK about myself.

And so does Annie. I realized her story wasn’t always about her weight, it was about her confidence. In the end, she doesn’t slim down and get rewarded with good things. She just recognizes that she’s deserved those good things all along, and does what she can to go after them. As should we all.

My First Show Us Your Books

I've been planning to join the Show Us Your Books link-up for actual years. I've gotten so many recommendations from those posts, but when I tried to write up my own, I realized describing books without spoilers but still saying more than "I liked it" is hard, y'all. Nevertheless, I persisted. I thought I would've read a lot in March since I was on vacation for two weeks, but I think I may have read less because I was doing things all day and too tired to read at night. But I managed to get through a few titles, at least. Here are my thoughts.

Two Can Keep a Secret: A good whodunit. I didn't know what was going to happen. A quick and easy read. Twists I did not see coming.

An American Marriage: This was a little slow for me. Beautifully written, but ... quieter, I guess, than I would've liked.

On the Come Up: After The Hate U Give, I was really excited for Angie Thomas' next novel. This was good, but not mind-blowing. I probably would've liked it more had I not read Hate, because it felt very similar. I did enjoy all the up-to-the-minute pop-culture references, though.

I'm a "yes, people exist" person, too.

The Dreamers: Meh. Interesting premise, but I thought more was going to happen here, tbh.

The Opposite of Everyone: I loved this one. I loved that the main character was a career-focused possible bitch and she was forced to change and work through her past when life happened. It didn't feel predictable, and it didn't wrap up in a nice little bow, but it still had a feel-good ending.

Someone Else's Love Story: From the author of The Opposite of Everyone and taking place in the same "world" (the main character from that book is secondary in this one). Well-written and interesting, but didn't grip me like the Opposite did. It seemed a little unrealistic to me, but maybe I just didn't relate to it the way I did the other book.

Linking up with Steph and Jana, hooray!

Entering old age

I've never actually been hungover, but I still find this relatable.

" I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth." - Knocked Up

Y'all, I'm old now. Not really. I'm 35, so normal life expectancy would tell us I have decades left on this earth. But I FEEL kind of old. Mostly because of various ailments.

Like I can never get enough sleep. If I'm watching TV on a weekend afternoon, I WILL take a 2-3 hour accidental nap. And I've been known to doze off in the movie theater, particularly if they have those nice recliner seats. But I sleep 7+ hours each night, so I really shouldn't be operating on a deficit.

Another issue: Things are sore a lot. I've taken to calling my left side my garbage side, because it's always the side that bothers me. My shoulder is usually sore, because I sometimes sleep on my side. Who knew sleeping would fuck you up? My knee is usually sore, because ... I actually have no idea why. I've worn a brace on that knee when I work out for the last 10+ years, but I've been to the doctor and there's nothing actually wrong with it. But if I'm squatting or, you know, getting out of a car or something, something happens within it and then it will hurt for days. Then I don't want to further injure it, so it's hard to make progress on the workout front. Whomp whomp. 

I go back and forth between "this is normal, you're just getting older" and "I probably have undiagnosed MS." I doubt I actually have MS, but I find if I look up any disease/disorder, I have at least half of the symptoms. So that's a fun game to play with Google if you need more anxiety in your life.