I Hate Children (including yours)

Just kidding, friends. But it does seem like any time I make a comment about children or parenting, at least one person takes it that way. Just because I don't have (or want) children doesn't mean I hate them. Some of my best friends have kids, and I like hanging out with them (is that the same as the "I'm not racist, some of my best friends are black!" defense? Oh, lord.) I think kids are fun, and funny, and if you have a rotund baby/toddler, I will be quite smitten. Chubby cheeks FTW!

That being said, I do think there are a few places where kids just should not be. Like, ever. Even if they are the most well-behaved, chill kids on the planet. These places include:

- Breweries: I equate this to bringing kids to a bar. There is nothing here for kids. They don't serve food, and most don't even serve any non-alcoholic beverages. In fact, the whole point of the place is for adults to sit around and drink adult beverages. Heck, as a light drinker, I get bored at breweries sometimes. So what about it would be entertaining/enjoyable for your children?

To be clear, no problem with the breastfeeding, cuz that's natural.
What's not natural is your kid being at a brewery IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- Movies: Let me start off by saying, not all movies. Family-friendly movies, I expect to be loud and full of kids who are not thrilled about sitting still in the dark for 90 minutes. Not a problem. But bringing your infant to a 9:30 p.m. show of an R-rated movie? No queen. Wait for the Redbox. I also have a particularly vivid memory of watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (which, while technically a kids' series, is rated PG-13) and being distracted during the final face-off between Harry and Voldemort because a toddler was traipsing up and down the stairs next to me in her flip-flops. I didn't pay $12 to listen to that thwap-thwap-thwap noise while waiting to see what Harry's fate will be. Kids aren't the only ones behaving badly at the movies, but I don't feel comfortable shaming children as I do my peers (I'm the one stage-whispering "PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!" to any adults being turds. Sorry I'm not sorry).

- Nail salons: Similar to the brewery situation, there is nothing here for kids. Unless, of course, they're also getting a mani-pedi. Then I have no beef. But if you brought you kid and expect them to hang out while you get pampered for 45 minutes? I've never seen a kid who was able to make that work. But I have seen kids who entertained themselves by splashing their hands around in my footbath, which kinda killed the whole relaxing vibe.

Essentially, don't bring your kids places that are fun for you and not for them. Sure, you've gotta take them to the dentist and the grocery store and on planes, and they might not enjoy that, but it's necessary. Having them tag along to your recreational/relaxation activities is not. So for their sake (and mine), please leave them at home.