What Makes a Relationship a Success?

Maybe this is just my hippie-dippy side talking, but I sometimes feel like the universe tells me things. Not literally, of course, but I think certain things are put in my path to send a message.

Lately, that message has been about relationships. My divorce really went as well as any divorce could go, with very little arguing or hard feelings. And knowing that we're both happily walking down divergent paths now makes me feel like it was a valid choice. But the fact that it remained amicable makes me feel guilty sometimes, like I gave up. Maybe I could've tried harder, or stayed longer, and we'd still be together. If I were truly a good wife/person, I would've made it work.

But the universe has reassured me that the ability to make it work isn't necessarily what makes a relationship a success. "Forever" doesn't have to be the ultimate goal. Not that I'm knocking it, but I don't think it has to be the sole measure. I present Exhibit A*, from Dan Savage of the Savage Lovecast, on the occasion of his 20th anniversary:

"Longevity is not the only criteria of relationship success. We throw that around; we congratulate people on their 20th anniversaries ... and that's good, but we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that a relationship doesn't have to be long-term to be healthy, it doesn't have to be everlasting, to be something you can be proud of. That people can have short-term relationships that are wonderful and fulfilling, that they can look back on fondly; that they should be congratulated for. That relationships don't have to end with one person being lowered into the ground to be counted as success. That you can be with somebody for an evening, a weekend, for six months, for a year, for twenty years, and part. And that can be something that is also congratulations-worthy; how you conducted yourself in that relationship, how you treated each other, whether you parted and it's amicable ...You can have a successful STR, just as you can have a successful LTR. And if your STRs have been loving, joyful, life-affirming, and healthy, you deserve as much congratulations on your STRs as Terry and I do on our LTR."

Maybe we could have made it work. But the fact that we didn't doesn't mean that we failed, or that we wasted our time. We enjoyed each other's company when we were together, and I learned a lot from the relationship.

Outside of the divorce/breakup situation, I think this applies to relationships with known end dates, e.g., you're going off to college next year, or one of you is taking a new job across the country, or you know you're not the marrying kind. None of that means you shouldn't enjoy the time you do have with another person. Embrace the love while it lasts, and don't discount the experience once you go your separate ways. So sayeth the universe.

*Other examples that I've come across recently: Amy Poehler discussing her divorce in Yes Please, Jane and Stephen in The Theory of Everything (possibly fictionalized, but still powerful), and even freakin' Hilary Duff .