Losses and Gains

I've gone back and forth about whether I wanted to write about this. It's more comfortable to keep things superficial, to write about TV shows and treats and good times. But what's the point of a blog if you can't share your deepest insecurities with all of your friends (and probably some strangers)? So I'm going to go there.

I'm fat. The short version of my story is that I've been fat since middle school, to varying degrees. Every few years, I would get motivated and either diet or start working out on the regular, and some weight would drop off. But I've never been able to maintain a healthy weight for my size (per BMI standards).

I wanted to be OK with being a big girl. I am who I am, and I should embrace it, right? But I felt awkward being bigger than all of my girlfriends and embarrassed when I couldn't shop at "normal" (i.e., not plus-size) clothing stores. But more than that, I wanted to be athletic. I literally fantasized about going for a run around my neighborhood (and not dying afterward) or taking a hike with friends on the weekend.

December 2010

So, in 2011, I joined a gym. But after dropping 25 pounds initially, the weight loss stalled. And then reversed itself completely, after I started a new job that included a long commute and lots of stress. I kept working out, and even upped my intensity, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't making progress. It finally occurred to me that  I would never be truly healthy or lose weight with any permanence unless I changed my diet.

I went vegan in 2008, so I wasn't eating a lot of fast food or things you would typically consider "junk," but I'm a carboholic. I love bread, pasta, candy, cake – really anything baked or sugary, and I'm in. All in. I can polish off a box of Oreos in 24 hours, no problem. But – although delicious – it didn't make me feel good.

In May, I started meeting with a nutritionist/trainer and realized the effects of what I was putting in my mouth. I worked toward cutting out processed foods and simple carbs and focused on vegetables and protein (which included Greek yogurt and cottage cheese, so no more veganism for me. Still don't eat meat, though). Slowly, the weight started coming off. Seeing results motivated me to continue my healthy habits.

Nearly six months later, I'm down 38 pounds, and that feels great. But the number on the scale has become less important to me. I'm focusing less on losing, and more on what I've gained. There are so many things I can do now I could never do before – planks, chin-ups (maybe just chin-up, singular, at this point), burpees, etc. I feel capable and powerful, and that only makes me want to be more capable and powerful. And I actually look forward to working out! I'm excited to get up and go to Turbo Kick every Saturday morning, and I schedule other plans around my set workouts.

October 2013

I've really tried to look at this as a lifestyle change and not a diet (cliche, I know), because it's not something I'm going to be done with when I reach a certain size or weight. I finally understand that I have to keep eating well and working out for the rest of my life to feel my best. But it's still a struggle sometimes. I love to bake, and while I know I can't eat a cake every weekend like I used to, it's been difficult to give that hobby up completely. But now I make a treat, pre-portion out a few servings, and give the rest away. Or, if we go out for pizza, I'll have 1-2 slices and eat a salad on the side. It's not about being perfect, it's about making better choices. So I try to keep it to a few "splurge meals" each week.

Another part of this has been accepting myself for who I am. My penchant for treats may mean I'll never be a thin person, but I can still be strong and fit whilst indulging in the occasional cookie. I can embrace my thunder thighs, because I worked hard to build those muscles. I can get excited about how much I can bench press or the fact I can almost do a pistol squat without assistance. So that's what I'm gonna do. It's not always fun, but I have a feeling it's worth it. :)

Side note: I'm not trying to fat-shame anyone in any way. Everyone is different, and I know there are myriad reasons why people are heavy, and I'm not trying to fault anyone for it. I'm happier when I'm healthier (and at my heaviest I was certainly not physically nor emotionally healthy), so that's what I'm working toward. And if you're in the same boat (or were, or want to be), I'd love to hear from you! I'm always down to share stories, workout ideas, recipes, etc.